Monday, May 4, 2009

Missing In Action.....For At Least Awhile



I'm alive. Just. But I am alive.

It has been a whirlwind of a life for me since the last time I posted. I've been so snowed under that I haven't even blogged over at hisbliss.com. Most of the drama in our life is now over. We achieved our aim during the battle we were fighting. And I'm sorry if that sounds cryptic, but the court orders prevent me from discussing anything online. So for those who know what was going on and want the low down then feel free to email me. Those who don't know and would like to, again, email me and I'll fill you in.

Speaking of email, I've changed email addresses and the only one I am now using is lisajane@hisbliss.com, so if you could all change it, that would be awesome. And please feel free to shoot me an email so that I can re-add you email addresses to my new address book.

Ugh, have I been having a hell of a time with my weight loss journey. The anti-psychotic medication they were using to help me sleep was working wonderfully, but it was stacking on the weight and despite eating right and training hard, I found that I had put on over 2 kilos. Let me tell you, this shattered me and I was at a loss of what to do.

Thanks to my doctor, we've since found a new medication that doesn't make me gain weight and in fourteen days (with no training, just eating right), I had lost 2.3 kilos, so we were thrilled with that.

I have a goal I am working towards and its a big one. I will share it with you all over at the forum, due to the monster still reading here, I don't really want her in on what is something amazingly special and important to me.

We are back training strongly now that the school holidays are over and let me tell you, I am sore all over. My cardio is going well and I am finding that I am doing it because I want to, not because I need to. I've finally stopped looking at it as a chore and more of a help. My eating is going well. Even with my free meal, I am finding I am having it in the middle of the day and not going to far overboard with what it is I eat.

So, I am looking forward to being back on track. This week's small goal is to lose 800 grams to get me down to a low that I haven't been to in a long time. And despite the fact that it is TTOTM, I am determined to shift this 800 grams by next Monday morning, no matter what it takes. There is no reward for doing it this time, it is just for personal gain.

The hiding food and pigging out I am pleased to say has stopped. I still have a little bit of chocolate here and there, not very often, but I find a little now and then stops we wanting a lot all the time.

I am seeing a psychologist to deal with some of the issues in my life, and although it is early days, I am finding she is helping and that it has been easier to open up to someone new, than I thought it would be. She has been able to help me put some safeguards in place to help with my relationships and that is a big relief off my shoulders.

The dialouge with mending fences with my parents is going slowly, but I am in no rush. We are sending messages back and forth to each other via facebook and although they are mostly funny little jokes, I am thinking it is a start and I am so looking forward to building on that. And again, I say thankyou to the lovely Lia for that. Because it was when she spoke of losing her parents that she spurred me into action to make the move before it was to late for me. I want my children to know their grandparents and I want to learn all that I can about the people who raised me. Because there isn't a whole lot I know and it saddens me to say that.

Anyhow, right now, I am off to bed, but I will update my secret goal over at the forum either tonight or in the morning and I promise to be a better blogger from now and on.

Thank you to those who have emailed me and left me posts over at the forum telling me they miss me. I've missed you all too but I'm back now.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

xoxox
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 7:38 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, April 10, 2009

Proud Momma








My beautiful first born Rhiannon has been offered some great opportunities to start modelling and these are a few of the shots that have come back to me.

Can we say proud much?

I am going to write a post over on my other blog tonight http://hisbliss.com where I can password it. If you want the password, just email me at hisbliss@achainedheart.com and I will gladly supply it for you.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 2:36 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Mortified Much?



Very, very much to be honest, so much so, that my self esteem has taken a battering and a half.

I got motivated today and decided that even though Michael wasn’t training, I would still pull my socks up and head over for a work out. All good, I hear you say.
So why am I mortified?

Because I was asked to stop using a piece of gym equipment because I was too heavy for it and it might break.

Shall I give you a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor?

I had decided to do a bit of a cardio circuit and burn some serious calories and thought it was about time I tackled the elliptical cross trainer. So there I was, ipod blaring, burning some serious calories, sweating buckets and the gym employee taps me on the shoulder and tells me I need to get off the equipment because I was too fat and I might break it. And to add insult to injury, he tells me that I need to be 50 kilos or under before I can use it.

The rest of the cardio equipment was okay for me to use, but this one wasn’t. So I left. I was mortified. I felt my eyes well up with tears and my face turn red and my self esteem sink thru the floor. Yayyyyy me. What a lucky girl I am.

I cried most of the way home, but now? Now my self esteem has returned and I am as mad as hell. I like to pride myself on accepting people for who and what they are. I have friends that are thin, fat, tall and short. I have friends that aren’t even into fitness even though the majority are, but I would never judge the one’s who weren’t just because I am.

Now there are no instructors in this gym. The staff just wander in and out of the gym every now and then and they go back out to the desk and watch tv. It’s one of the gyms where people are just left to their own devices.

Well I wish to fuck I had of been left alone.

Too fat?

Excuse fucking me. I am sure that I am not the only bigger person whose ass has been on that machine and they hadn’t broken it. So why would I?

It amazed me. Totally amazed me and I can’t believe that I just let him say that to me and then I slunk away like a coward. I don’t know who I am more angry with. Him or myself. I am ashamed of myself for running away like a scared little rabbit. But I am angry that he said that to me.

I haven’t decided what to do about it yet. Whether I mention it to the manager or just let it go. If I do mention it to management, is it really going to make a difference. I am sure they have more than enough business coming thru the doors that they wouldn’t miss two people if we left.

I’ve always been dubious about going to new gyms. I don’t like the prying eyes and the way some people look at you and it was something I had never experienced at this place. And today it wasn’t from another gym goer but some one who is employed to be nice to the people who frequent the place.

I’m hurt, disappointed and frustrated. Add to that the fact my weight is not budding due to my medication I am about ready to throw in the towel.

But I wont.

I’m going back to the gym in the morning and I am going to get back on that cross trainer and if he says anything to me then I pity him.

Cos hell hath no fury like an LJ scorned.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:55 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

No More Walking On Eggshells....



Walking On Eggshells…

That’s what I’ve been doing of late. And I am so fucking tired of it and I know that Lia will be after me for my potty mouth, but that’s the only way I can think to say it and get across my frustration.

I’ve pretty much stopped blogging on both of my blogs. I censor what I write and I hide the real me and show people the me that I think they want to see.

BUT….

I have some lovely friends out there in the blog world and they love me for WHO I am, not what I am and most certainly not what I look like. Most of these lovely women are figure competitors or past competitors who look amazing, who come across as full of confidence and like they belong up there. And they are among the group who accept me for who I am.

Warts and all.

I am so tired of feeling like I have to conform to what society thinks I am supposed to look like. I’m not one of the lucky ones who manages to eat what they want and still look good. I have to work my ass off in the gym and even then I still struggle to lose weight. I have about 50 kilos to lose and this is the first time that I have ever admitted it publicly.

The question is why?

Because I’m ashamed of the condition I am in. I am ashamed to admit that nobody did this to me, but me.

How is that for a confession?

The other reason for my walking on eggshells is the ex monster and the fact that she scours my blogs and tries to glean every single piece of information she can from them and that not only annoys me but it bothers me.

It bothers me because I know she is not brave enough to face a fight without playing dirty or what she believes is dirty. I know she thinks I’m fat. No surprise there. Because I am. I know she thinks it’s funny to talk about me and my weight problems behind my back. I know she doesn’t hesitate to slander me to anyone that will listen and then try to twist their feelings to make them hate me before they even lay eyes on me.

I have no doubt that I am the butt of many of her jokes. And up until today it bothered me. It bothered me greatly and I don’t mind confessing that I’ve shed many tears over it. I shouldn’t but I do. Why? Because again, I’m human and if you cut me, I’ll bleed.

But today has been the turning point. Not only for me, but for Michael as well, because both of us are tired of walking on eggshells around ex’s, around kids, around anyone who wants to get in the way.

How sad is your life, if you have to talk about someone’s weight and make them the butt of your jokes when you don’t even know the person you are talking about.
So let’s put it out there shall we?

The photo’s on my face book are not me. I have never professed that they were. And I have never had any intention of doing so. I don’t have my photo up there because I don’t have many photo’s of me that I actually like and in the beginning I never really cared to much about what people thought. Now that I have made friends with a lot of the people on my list, I feel they have the right to know the truth.

I’M FAT. VERY FAT. FATTER THAN I SHOULD BE. BUT NOT AS FAT AS I WAS A FEW YEARS AGO.

I don’t use people’s weight, their looks, their dress sense or their skin colour against them. Why? Because I know what it’s like to have it done to me. And I wouldn’t want to cause anyone that pain.

I have bi-polar.

Wow, who doesn’t have a mental illness these days?

I take medication for it, my doctor and my psychologists monitor it and my husband helps me deal with it as well.

God forbid I should be allowed out in public or around children, perhaps it would be safer to lock me up and throw away the key.

I have to work hard to keep my eating under control and I am sure that I’m not the only person who confesses to that. I am sure there are many, many people out there who have the same problem. I guess there are just some out there who think they are perfect but they need to remember that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Should they?

I have to work hard in the gym and I do. I am not one of the gym girlies who wears make up and doesn’t sweat. I train with my husband and he pushes me hard. Yes I sweat in there, I stomp my feet and I even grunt and groan like a meat head. Good lord above. Somebody alert the media.

Am I coming across as sarcastic? Because I’m not trying to. Much.

All I know is this.

I’m fat. I need to lose weight and I am. Not as fast as I would like but it’s happening and when it does happen it will stay off. I’m not perfect, I won’t ever claim to be. My husband doesn’t like bigger women, so I’m lucky that he loves me enough to help me lose it and contrary to popular belief I’m not doing it to keep him. I’ve never been the whiney, sooky kind of woman who needs a man to make me feel fulfilled. I have bi-polar and I manage it as best I can.

So if people think that I am going to censor my posts for the sake of one person anymore, then they are dead fucking wrong. This is my blog and I’ll say whatever the fuck I like. As long as I don’t denigrate anyone here, then there is nothing anyone can do or say.

So *I* am going back to my happy place and my happy life and my wonderful but at times stressful relationship with my Michael. The people who come here and read and don’t like what they say better use the big red X in the corner and just piss off before their poor teeny feelings get hurt. And they best not let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. Cos last time I checked *I* controlled my life. If reading about my less than perfect life takes the heat off the monsters than hey, I’m glad to help. Cos I have something that they won’t ever have.

And that is Michael’s love and that’s just the way it is. Not to mention the gorgeous group of women I call my friends.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to take my fat ass off to cook dinner. Cos I am gonna win the bet I have with my husband at the end of the week. Ed Hardy jeans here I come.

I feel better now.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 5:06 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Monday, February 9, 2009

Done, Dusted And Worn Out



Done and Dusted Part Two...

Back today. I love back. It’s my favourite day along with chest and bi’s I love it to bits. I always manage to get in there and surprise myself. It’s only recently that I have started suffering DOMS after training back and I am most thrilled about it.

Not much has happened since my last post. We have been focused on the fires, much like everyone else. Our small boys were in the path of the fire for awhile but luckily the wind changed in the nick of time and they were and still are safe and well. It was a huge relief for hubba hubba hubby and I.

I am getting back in the swing of things where school is concerned. I have had to reorganise my sleeping patterns so that I can get my butt out of bed in time to get my cardio done. Most mornings I start at 9.00am so it requires my dragging myself out of bed by 6.00am. Gives me plenty of time to do what I need to do around the house, get Montana off to school, feed Michael and myself and then run out the door. We are starting to get into the swing of things now and the homework is coming thick and fast and I am most excited about it. I know, I know, I must be insane. But I’m glad that I love it, all I need to do is get myself into a routine with the study and I will be set. It wasn’t as easy to schedule as I thought. Especially with kids, training, housework etc. I’ll preserve and get it organised before I know it. I wanted this for the longest time so there is no way I am going to stuff it up with something so simple.

Food has been good today. The cafeteria at school has lots of stuff, mostly fried and the smell of it wafts into the classroom and it doesn’t smell remotely tempting. If anything, the smell of the oil makes me feel sick. I’ve been taking along protein powder and having that or wandering down to the plaza and getting myself a healthy sandwich.

As I mentioned before we trained back today. Half an hour cardio this morning and this evening. Good eating. Lots of water.
So, like I said.

Done and dusted.
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:38 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Done And Dusted..



I’m afraid tonight.

Everything around us is burning. We are surrounded by big ass bushfires that don’t seem to be getting any better. Even here in downtown suburbia, there is a street that went up in flames and five houses were burnt to the ground.

Even with the windows and doors closed, my house smells like smoke. And I am afraid. I know that my house isn’t in danger. It’s just frightening when all I have seen in the news all day and night is death and destruction.

This fire hit close to home for us. Our babies live in one of the areas that was affected and could have easily been trapped in the fire or lost their home. Thankfully the winds changed and they were out of danger but it is still a scary thought when it is so close to home.

Even sitting here in our bedroom, I can hear fire trucks roaring past , I can smell the smoke and I am worrying what will happen if the fire does get to us. I may have been a little out of control, but I have gathered all of our photos and Michael’s bodybuilding trophies and they are near the door in case of something happening. The worst thing that can happen is I will have to spend some time putting them back where they belong. But better to be safe rather than sorry. We don’t have too many memories together, but the one’s we have I am damn well going to save.

There isn’t too much else to say at the moment. It’s just a wait and see situation. All I know is I will be so very glad when 46 degree days are over and done with. I hate seeing the loss and the destruction that people have to go through. And when I see it, all I can think is I am glad it wasn’t us. Shallow, but honest. I don’t know what I would do if we lost everything. Thank god I haven’t yet had to find out. I keep looking around our bedroom and wondering if the time really did come just what I would collect first. The photos of our babies? Michael’s bodybuilding trophies? Clothes? Photo’s of my beautiful grandbaby? I just don’t know. And again, I pray that I will never have to find out.

The title of this post refers to the end of something. I know. And I am sure there are people out there wondering what it refers to. It's the end of a relationship. One that meant the world to me. Something I held dear to me and kept close to my heart. But today? It ended and I don't know how to move on from it.

I know the monster is still snooping here and I have become quite accustomed to it. I try not to mention it very often, but on days like this I feel I have to. I am sure the monster is reading this post and rubbing its hands together with glee. But I hate to upset it. It's not the end of the relationship that she was hoping for.

Tonight, we are having a memorial service for the death of my first pair of training gloves. Yes, that's right, they have died and gone to gym heaven.




Rest in peace my little friends, I shall never forget you.

On a different note.

Things have been frantic around here, hence my lack of attendance in the blog world and on the forum. I have missed you all terribly, but being thrown headfirst into the first week of University has sent me into a panic. I am now having to get home, feed the family, train at the gym, do my cardio, study, sleep and still be a wife and a mother. I am slowly getting there and since this is only the first week, then I am sure I will get it together. It is Saturday night and I am catching up on blog posts, emails, blog reading and me time, before I dive headfirst into a book that I need to have read by Monday morning. Nothing like a deadline to help you procrastinate some more. Right?

Anyway, I promise to update here more often. Ohh and here is the pic of my new Ed Hardy bag that Michael got me. It retails for about $700 so I am feeling awfully loved and spoilt right now. And it's green, one of my favourite colors.

Have a great weekend.


Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:23 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Friday, February 6, 2009

Ed Hardy Still Rocks





I would have to be the luckiest girl in the world you know. For the longest time I have wanted an Ed Hardy handbag. Actually to tell the truth I want anything Ed Hardy cos I just love it.

Anyway, my beautiful husband got me the bag pictured above. Why? For no reason other than he loves me and he wants to see me happy.

I think I am too scared to wander around with it because the damn thing is worth $700and it's in my favourite color. GREEN!

So, let me ask again. Who is the luckiest girl in the world?

Me me me me!

I have a proper post for here that I will finish tomorrow. Right now I am off to bed.

xox
Posted by Lisa Jane :: 8:01 PM :: 0 Comments:

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